I’m Just Sayin’… September 25, 2011

I’ve noticed that with the proliferation of electronic media it’s become much easier for people to be rude, insensitive and disrespectful. Why is it that people feel comfortable saying things in emails, on Facebook, Twitter or even on a voice mail that they would never say in front of someone.

Knowing that what they’ve done is wrong, they try to deflect or remove themselves from the responsibility of their actions by closing with the phrase; “I’m just sayin’…” or they will put one of those happy face emoticons at the end of their email. Then if someone actually calls them on it, they can always say…”I was just kidding.” The fact is, a silly phrase or a happy face doesn’t absolve them from their actions.

I say this because I want to encourage parents to teach your children about their responsibility to be respectful to others whether they are face-to-face or typing on a keyboard…I’m just sayin’…

Creating Dynamic Family Unity September 21, 2011

One of the many different ways that we teach parents to create dynamic family unity is that they must first create a family identity. We all want to be part of something greater than ourselves. That’s why kids will join clubs, participate in sports or hang out with certain groups of friends. With that same thought in mind, we encourage parents to continually teach and describe who their family is to their children. 

In our house we started with using our last name to give us an identity. We constantly called ourselves “The Carter Family” when speaking to our kids. Things like: “I love being a part of the Carter Family!” or “Aren’t you glad you’re a Carter?” “This is a great family, I bet everyone wishes they were a Carter.”

The kids loved it. They carried an identity far beyond their individual name. They were part of something special….The Carter Family! As the kids grew, they began to take it even deeper. Once while in the car, I said; “I am so proud to be a Carter…aren’t you?” Our daughter Kelli, who was probably 5 years old at the time started singing a made up song;

“I’m proud to be a Carter.

Don’t you wish you were one too?

Cause if you were a Carter,

Everyone would be in love with you!”

Just like that, we had a new family song designed to be sung very loud and very off-tune! Years later when our daughter Sarah was 4 she began calling us “The Carter 5 Family.” That was even better! Our new name gave us even greater identity by stating that the family is most enjoyed when the five of us are together.

Dynamic family unity creates a family where each family member places the needs of the family as a whole before their own individual needs. A family whose sum is defined by the commitment of each individual to the same biblical values. A family that takes pride in their name and protects it from dishonor and harm. A family that has genuine love for one another.

That’s what we mean by “dynamic family unity.” It’s not a pipe dream. It’s attainable and it’s an incredible way to live!

Legalism or Context September 5, 2011

By Sandra Carter

Almost every morning my Sarah is in the bathroom with me as I get my makeup on. Generally, these are the moments when she gives me that open door into her world of thoughts. Oh the stories I could share. This morning was an average morning – her talking away about various things and me rushing to get my hair done and makeup on. All of sudden she started speaking that she was ugly and she had straight nasty hair.

I spoke gently and told her how beautiful she was and in her natural dramatic form she insists that she is right and she is not pretty at all. So, in a loud voice I started praying/speaking aloud, “In Jesus name I rebuke the lie you are saying about yourself. You are beautifully and wonderfully made in the image of God! You are not ugly and I will not listen to you speak those lies over yourself! Stop right now! God made you beautiful Sarah Ellen Carter.”

She casually looked at me and said, “You were praying with your eyes open and God didn’t hear you.” I immediately said, “Who told you that? God can hear me no matter what I am doing. He is God and He hears everything and He heard me!”

Sarah replies, “When I was little my Sunday school teacher told me that if I didn’t sit still and close my eyes God wasn’t going to hear my prayer.”

I told Sarah that I understood what her teacher was trying say to her. The purpose of closing your eyes during prayer helps you to not look around or to be playing when you are supposed to talking to God. If we do that, then we are not thinking about what we are saying to God, our mind is going from one thing to the next. I continued to explain to her that this morning I was totally focused on praying even when I had my eyes open. I also added that once a person who believes in Jesus gets to know God more they will be able to talk and hear Him without closing their eyes and even with their eyes open they can only think about talking and hearing from God.

Later in the day this brought to my mind the legalism Sarah had with the praying with your eyes closed. I wondered how many times she has prayed and blinked her eyes and thought, God didn’t hear that. Or saw me pray with my eyes open and thought, God isn’t listening to you mom. Since the day she heard her teacher say that she has believed God can’t hear you unless your eyes are closed. Nowhere in the Bible could I find that if my eyes were open God wouldn’t hear my prayer. I did find reference to entering into His presence with humility. It’s all about context, not the legalism of the eyes being closed.

The teacher’s intentions to express to Sarah to pay attention during prayer time and focus on God when she was praying were good, but the words used to express this self-control technique were taken very legalistic by my Sarah. She received no moral reasoning behind the rule.

I don’t want my children to walk around learning just religious dos and don’ts. I want them to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and to search God’s Word to see the biblical reasons why we do or don’t do something. We must ask the question: What is the purpose of the rule? And then respond based on the answers we find in God’s Word.

Bullying August 30, 2011

 By Sandra Carter

James 3:5

5 Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. 

This weekend one of my daughter’s came home and had several instances over the past week where a girl in her class was bullying her with words.

Phrases the girl used were:

• Instead of being rude how about you be nice – my daughter had scooted into her spot when the girl got up from circle reading time; not knowing she was going to return.
• Do you know a Betsy? Because she is really mean and you are starting to act like her.
• Everybody in our class is my friend and you better not play with them.

Instantly I could tell by the words the girl used that she felt competition from my daughter and threatened by my daughter’s presence in the classroom. My daughter was very reluctant to share the last statement the girl said because she was personally hurt that someone would take action against her if she befriended other classmates. I could sense my daughter was thinking of altering her behavior due to this girl’s threat of “you better not”. I knew I had to give my daughter support while still leaving the other girl with some dignity.

Proverbs 18:21

21 The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.

Now, my personality is to take care of business in the moment. I am a quick thinker so I had several comebacks for my daughter to use, but I chose not to share them with her because they were not edifying to God and were not going to give the bully with any dignity.

Our entire family then chimed in with advice, but the most impressive advice was from one of my other daughters. She advised her sister that the next time this girl is mean to her she should speak directly to the girl and say, “___________, you are being mean to me and I am giving you this one chance to stop or next time I will tell the teacher.” She also added to look the girl in the eye and then walk away. No matter what the bully says back to you, you have to decide that things will turn out the way you want them to and keep quite. She also said to not give the bully the chance to speak and to not discuss anything else with her.

How impressive, to be the most powerful person in the room, to have self-control and to be resolved to a solution that brings God glory. To be a person who looks your enemy in the eye, speaks direct and simple and then walks away, all the while reconfirming to yourself that you are right and things will turn out for your good and God’s glory.

Matthew 5:43-44

43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,

We are also going to pray for this girl. For her to not see my daughter as a threat, for her to see my daughter as the special unique person God has created her to be. We are going to pray that this girl feels secure in who she is and knows she is special to God too. We are praying for my daughter to have courage, she is afraid and several tears have been shed over this. I am resolved that this issue will be taken care of. God is for us so who can be against us?

If my daughter follows through and the situation gets worse, then I will have to step in and take the proper action by telling the teacher what is going on. Chances are this will give my daughter the self-confidence and self-control she needs to resolve these issues and who knows, this girl may even end up being my daughter’s friend, one day.

Sarah-isms August 28, 2011

I sometimes like to share some of the funny things my youngest daughter Sarah says. She’s so much fun to be around!

She loves her Mommy and of course like most young children, Mommy is the “go to” parent when she needs something. The problem is that Mommy can’t be counted on to answer her cell phone like Daddy does. So, the other night while Sandra and I were on a date, Sarah calls my cell phone and the conversation goes like this.

Me: Hello

Sarah: Daddy?

Me: Yes

Sarah: It’s Sarah

Me: Hi Sarah

Sarah: Daddy?

Me: Yes Sarah

Sarah: I have a question for you

Me: yes??

Sarah: Can I speak to Mommy?

She cracks me up!

Bi-Polar Parenting August 5, 2011

Bi-Polar parenting is a term I’ve used to describe parents who have conflicting parenting philosophies. These are parents who are not like-minded in their parenting beliefs which guarantees there will be friction and conflict in the home. Most bi-polar parenting is centered in the area of discipline. What type of discipline is required? Should we spank and if so, when?

Children usually go one of two directions when they sense this lack of unity. They either exploit it by pitting the parents against each other or they develop an insecurity and fear about their parent’s relationship and shut down emotionally. Either way, the environment is extremely detrimental to family unity. How can you expect your family to be unified when mom and dad can’t set the example?

One rule of bi-polar parents should be to never challenge the each other’s beliefs in front of the child. Always support each other in front of the child and then talk about your differences in private. Parents need to identify the areas where they are not like-minded and discuss how to present a unified front prior to the next conflict. You may not agree on everything, but you should never expose your spouse’s beliefs as being wrong, stupid or inferior.

By discussing this in a non-conflict moment you will be able to reach consensus and find the common ground on which you will parent going forward.

Kids on Facebook….Really???? March 31, 2011

I’m seeing an alarming trend with many young kids on Facebook. This past week I even had a child from my daughter’s second grade class try to friend me. What??? That’s crazy. I didn’t even know who this child was until Sandra told me, but here she is freely able to friend adults at will. As I looked at the profile page of this 7-year-old girl, she had even filled out that she was “single” and interested in “men.”  REALLY???  Mom and Dad, where are you?

Even Facebook feels that these children are too young. Their policy is that you must be at least 13 years old in order to sign up. In fact they are currently deleting over 10,000 underage users per day. So, these kids have had to “lie” just to create a page. The child is learning that if you lie and don’t get caught, you can get what you want.

Parents of pre-teens should be more concerned about protecting their child from the implications of social networking than how many friends their child can accumulate. Children simply can’t make the appropriate moral decisions of whom to friend or even who to accept as a friend on Facebook. Not to mention that opening up the ability to Instant Message, communicate in private messages or allowing others to see personal information is extremely dangerous.

We recommend that before allowing your child to participate in social networking, they should at least be in their teens and have demonstrated a level of maturity that allows you to trust their moral decision-making skills.

Teen Rebellion – What is it? Is it Natural? Why Does it Occur? February 23, 2011

Genesis 2:24 “This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.”

If there’s one thing we’ve learned after being involved in parenting ministry for as many years as we have, it’s that the teen years are rarely boring or neutral. The teen years can be a wonderful time as you see your children growing with knowledge and understanding. It’s also when the first fruits of friendship begin to grow between the parent and child. But for some, these years can be an emotionally charged, turbulent time where conflict is the norm and relationships are shattered and broken.

Prior to talking about teen rebellion, we feel it’s very important for you to consider context and to guard against a legalistic view of this message because there are no absolutes. Although we’re talking about the majority or about our experience in dealing with hundreds of parents over the years, it doesn’t mean that every situation is the same. Our hope is that you will receive this commentary with an open mind that allows you to go to the Lord seeking wisdom and discernment and see if it applies in your situation before dismissing it. We say this because sometimes truth is painful and hard to receive especially when we are dealing with our families. The teen years allow us one of our first opportunities to gain the benefit of hindsight. It’s during the teen years when we begin to see the good fruit of our parenting labor or the beginning of the consequences of how we chose to parent during the formative years.

Teen Rebellion – Is it natural?

As children move into the teen years they begin to develop a natural desire to assert themselves as individuals. They are beginning to mature to a point of being able to make it on their own. Initially this a tough time for most parents because it can cause them to feel rejected or discarded but you can be comforted by the fact that this is a natural part of God’s plan. For those families that are experiencing consistent conflict during the teen years, it is usually attributed to various forms of rebellion. We believe that teen rebellion grows out of this natural desire, however, teen rebellion is not natural. It is usually the consequence of how you chose to parent during the formative years. (approximately ages 4 to 12).

Wisdom and consequences

There are two teachers in our lives; wisdom and consequences. The question is which one will you choose to learn from? Initially the choice appears easy, who wouldn’t rather have wisdom over consequences? The issue is cost. There is no upfront cost to join the school of consequences and therefore, initially it seems like the easier more peaceful path to travel.  Although there may be no “up front” costs to follow the path of consequences,  the payment at the end is astronomical. The damage and destruction required to learn the lessons that the school of consequences will teach you are far more than your body can bear. You may learn the lesson, but by the time you do; you have lost your marriage, your job, your children or even your life. Consequence is like a credit card because the payment comes at the end. You’re living it up like a millionaire for a brief period but the end result is debt, destruction and bankruptcy.

On the other hand, the school of wisdom requires payment at the front end. It takes initial effort and requires discipline and resolve which means there will be pain at first. Although it may be hard and painful in the beginning, the amazing truth is that discipline eventually turns into a love relationship. For instance, a discipline of exercising will turn into a love with being fit and healthy or a discipline of reading the bible and praying will turn into a love relationship with Jesus. It’s the same with parenting. Discipline in parenting will turn into a love relationship with your children. Wisdom teaches you the lesson before you make the mistake, but consequences teach you the lesson after the fact. But be careful of what wisdom you seek. For Christians, if you are not seeking wisdom from God, then the only thing you have to go on is either the wisdom of the world or your own wisdom which is false and will ultimately fail you. The wisdom of the world is really just another path on the road to consequences.

Proverbs 14:12 “There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.”

Discipline and regret

Just as we have two types of teachers, we also have two types of pain that we experience; discipline and regret. Human nature tells us to avoid pain, but a world without pain would be scary place to live. It’s a matter of what pain we should accept. Be careful not to avoid the pain that comes with discipline because this pain will ultimately result in happiness. Discipline makes regular deposits and fills your account, but regret works the opposite way because it too is like a credit card. You’re happy, happy, happy and then you’re smacked in the face with an astronomical bill that screams; Pay me now! If you’ve ever had problems with credit card debt, then you know that the bill of regret at the end is supersized compared to the temporary happiness you had at first. Regret will withdraw every penny you own, but discipline allows you to live on what was deposited with joy!

This can be pretty convicting stuff for parents who are in the middle of teen rebellion and searching for the quick fix. The fact is that there is rarely a quick fix for teen rebellion. But the good news is that Jesus Christ, through the shedding of his blood can redeem or “buy back” everything you have lost through regret. He has an incredible passion to hear our cries of confession and regret and seeks to begin the process of redemption if we are faithful to repent and follow his plan. He will not leave or forsake you (Deuteronomy 31:8). However, that doesn’t mean that there will be no consequences. This process of redemption along with consequences is what God is talking about to the Israelites in the verses below.

Numbers 14:31-34“You said your children would be carried off as plunder. Well, I will bring them safely into the land, and they will enjoy what you have despised. But as for you, you will drop dead in this wilderness. And your children will be like shepherds, wandering in the wilderness for forty years. In this way, they will pay for your faithlessness, until the last of you lies dead in the wilderness. Because your men explored the land for forty days, you must wander in the wilderness for forty years—a year for each day, suffering the consequences of your sins.”

Whether you’re dealing with the consequences of rebellion or not, how you relate to your teenager is changing compared to how you related to your adolescent. This requires you to adapt your techniques and understand that the years of parenting by your authority should now be transitioning to parenting by the power of your influence.

In our next blog we will explore some of the ways that you can do that, so stay tuned.

The Privacy Mistake February 16, 2011

Most parents struggle with how much privacy to give their child. What about their room? What about their computer or phone. What about their friendships? As your child grows up, they ask for more and more privacy. Everyone needs some privacy but parents should also understand that giving their child absolute privacy is a huge mistake.

Our children are bombarded with numerous temptations, many of which they are not mature enough to evaluate the risks. The world has changed and they have a tremendous amount of resources at their fingertips; television, internet, smart phones, texting, digital cameras, Facebook and chat rooms, just to name a few. Your child will try to demand their privacy by saying it’s their room, their computer or their phone. Do not to buy into this argument!

We suggest one simple rule around these luxuries; in order to use them, the parent has the right to examine the content and restrict their access at any time. Parents should understand how to check past texts, or pictures and how to review where they’ve been on the internet. They also should know how to set content filters on the media that their children use and view. Children should provide the parents with usernames and passwords and if a child refuses or erases the content, then they simply lose the privilege to use it.

One of your roles as a parent is to ensure the safety and well-being of your child. You can’t do that in a privacy vacuum. Whether you have concerns about your child or not, there are times when you need to validate your thoughts and feelings.

There is a battle for the heart and mind of your child. Whoever wants this generation the most will have it.

Dynamic Family Unity December 31, 2010

Think about your family’s identity. Who are you…really? How are you identified? At Raising Incredible Kids, our curriculum is built on establishing a dynamic family unity.

What would it be like to have a family where each family member places the needs of the family as a whole before their own individual needs? A family whose sum is defined by the commitment of each individual to the same biblical values? A family that takes pride in their name and protects it from dishonor and harm? A family that has genuine love for one another? That’s what we mean by “dynamic family unity.” It’s not a pipe dream. It’s attainable and it’s an incredible way to live!

One of the greatest gifts you can give your children is to teach them that your family’s identity is greater than their own individual identity. When your children begin to embrace the identity of the family, they will begin to appreciate being part of something bigger than themselves. This “family identity” creates a unity and love for their family members that is unique and extremely special.

Jesus desires our families to have this kind of unity. In John 17 he prayed that his disciples and all who believed in Him would develop dynamic unity.

John 17: 20-23 “I am praying not only for these disciples but also for all who will ever believe in me through their message.  I pray that they will all be one, just as you and I are one—as you are in me, Father, and I am in you. And may they be in us so that the world will believe you sent me.  I have given them the glory you gave me, so they may be one as we are one. I am in them and you are in me. May they experience such perfect unity that the world will know that you sent me and that you love them as much as you love me.”

Like anything worth having, dynamic family unity takes work and effort. Many parents give up on this dream, believing that it’s too hard or impossible to achieve, that it takes too much time and effort. What takes more time; being focused on the positives of teaching and training that bring about peace and unity or constantly being stressed by conflict and cleaning up the messes created by family members that only care about their own needs and will do whatever it takes to achieve them?

Interested?  Check out Raising Incredible Kids. Enrollment is now open for the next session of classes beginning on January 18.